Another Confession…

30 Jul

If you’ve been reading my blog lately, or at least my weekly training recaps, then you know I have not really been running lately (other than if it’s part of CrossFit).

Sure, I can blame the weather, the hot humid mess that is summer.  Of course there’s the craziness of work or other things life things that “get in the way.”

But that’s not it.  Yesterday (and today too for that matter), the weather was PERFECT for a run.  It was warm, but the humidity was low and there was a nice breeze going.  My mind and body were craving a run on such a beautiful day.  Yet, when I got home, I didn’t run.  I cooked, I prepped some future meals, I ate some dinner, and then decided it was “too late” to run, when I knew it wasn’t.

And then it hit me.  I’m scared to run.  I’m scared to train.  I’m just scared.

I have to be honest.  I have not really trained properly for my last 4, even 5 half marathons.  And I’ve survived them all.  Honestly, my last half marathon was 6 minutes off my PR, a PR which I did train and work hard for and work on my speed.

Why am I scared to train?  Because I know I’ve gotten slower.  I know that all the progress I made training for my PR race has long since been erased.  I know that when I run, I want to beat that time, and I want to be that fast or faster, but I also know that I’m not going to be.

I’m scared of facing the reality of what letting life get in the way has done to me, done to my abilities (which weren’t that great to begin with).  I’m scared of facing what I’ve let happen to myself.  As long as I don’t train, I can always blame my poor race times on “well, I didn’t really train.”  But what if I train, and I can’t get back those times I once had?  What if I push myself, but I can’t push myself hard enough and so it makes no difference?  Then what’s my excuse?  I’m just no good?

The fear of failure often keeps us from doing a lot of things.  I keep signing up for races because I really do enjoy doing them, but at the same time, they keep terrifying me.  What if I fail?  For some reason being ill prepared makes me feel better about a failure then trying my hardest and failing.

I need to conquer this fear and fast.  I just don’t know how.

Have you ever been afraid to start?  How did you conquer your fear?


16 Responses to “Another Confession…”

  1. Kimberley@Black Dog Runs Disney July 30, 2014 at 1:03 pm #

    To which my reply would be, “SO WHAT?” Are you planning to finish first out of every runner? What’s that? No? SO WHAT? Trying to impress anyone in order to obtain a 6-7 figure income from Nike, Under Armour, or Mizuno? No? SO WHAT? You’re still getting out there, you’re still kicking asphalt, and you’re still doing a whole lot more that a lot, A LOT of other people are doing. SO WHAT if you’re doing it slower than you would like? We pretty much ALL are! That’s what makes us all awesome. We embrace our suck and keep going back for more. I promise, none of the Accountabilibuddies are going to love you any less. Except maybe Lisa. I think she’s the speed monster here and she’s going to hold back on the Bailey’s Buttercream cupcakes until we can all keep up with her. Looks like we’re all screwed.🙂 XOXO

    • kebe51 July 31, 2014 at 8:57 am #

      NO! Don’t hold back the cupcakes! OK! OK! I promise I’ll run! She is a speed monster, but then again so are you🙂

      You’re right. I gotta embrace the suck. If I’m ok with being dead last in CrossFit, why can’t I apply that with running and just use it as motivation to not only get to where I once was, but better!

  2. Run, Karla, Run July 30, 2014 at 1:18 pm #

    Kellie, I think this is SUCH a common feeling. Getting it out there is the first step! And you have to know that if you train, you WILL get better. You WILL get back to where you were and keep getting faster. Yes, we’ll all peak at some point, and inevitably slow down with age. But I promise you, you’re not at that point yet! Maybe going all out and failing is one way to get over the fear? Then you’ll see that failing isn’t all that scary. It’s part of life and part of being a runner. Take it from me. How many times have I tried to break 2 hrs in the half and utterly failed?? It feels like a million. The first time, I was afraid to put it out there because of the fear of failure. But I’ve failed at that goal so many times now that failing is no longer scary, and doesn’t feel like a big deal when I do fail. I’m more determined than ever! If you enjoy the races, and running, and training just do it. Tell that voice in your head to shut it and put yourself out there. Inevitably, you’ll fail at some goal. But that’s not what matters. It’s picking yourself up and going for it again. We’re all there for you!

    • kebe51 July 31, 2014 at 8:54 am #

      Thanks Karla! It’s so hard to tell that voice to shut up…stupid stubborn voice! I truly admire your optimism and determination and because you have those things, I KNOW you’re going to get your sub 2! But you’re right, it is a common feeling and I really do feel so great when I have a plan and follow it and then finish a race I know I worked hard for! To quote Nike, I gotta “Just Do It”

  3. Nicole @ pink elephant on parade July 30, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

    we have the Goofy challenge in January so I suggest you get your ass in gear because I don’t have the upper body strength to carry you for a half marathon and a FULL MARATHON.

    • kebe51 July 31, 2014 at 8:50 am #

      Don’t worry, I promise you won’t have to carry me for the half…and I’ll try and hold out until AT LEAST mile 20 before collapsing in the full (keep in mind, this will probably be the case even with getting my ass in gear).

  4. DarlinRae July 30, 2014 at 2:54 pm #

    Well you’re never gonna hit those times if you don’t do anything! Yeah, ok, maybe you lost some fitness and some stamina if you haven’t been running a lot, but you have to start somewhere. And really, do you want to just “survive” Goofy and Princess weekend, or run alltheraces and feel really good about it? Just get out there and run–maybe plan a route that’s a specific distance, but don’t time yourself at all. Just run some to get the juices flowing before you worry about pace and time. Your accountabilibuddies love you no matter how fast or slow you go! Unless one of them has to carry you for the race, which just ain’t gonna fly. So RUN!

    • kebe51 July 31, 2014 at 8:49 am #

      LOL thanks! Although I will definitely be more than happy to “just” survive Goofy weekend! I know I’ll snap out of it…hopefully soon. Besides, we both have operation sub 2:30 and dammit we’re gonna do it!

  5. Emily July 30, 2014 at 11:26 pm #

    So, so, so true. The past year has been a constant realization that I am slower. There are many contributing factors, but I am slower. Which then gives me excuses to not try as hard because I am slower than I have been. I’m scared to start really trying again. But failing is just a sign that you tried. It doesn’t mean you won’t succeed in the future. Sometimes you just have to jump into the water and see if you can swim (which I’m telling myself as well).

    • kebe51 July 31, 2014 at 8:46 am #

      OK, you and me both, we jump into the water together…deal?

  6. Jennifer L. Nelson July 31, 2014 at 10:43 am #

    I know EXACTLY what you mean. I could have written this post! I ALWAYS find myself holding back when it comes to training, especially speedwork, because I really have been struggling lately and I know that I’ve erased a lot of the progress I made when I decided to be pretty lazy and inconsistent about running for a few months after my 2nd marathon in March.

    I’m DEFINITELY slower now, and, it’s really frustrating to feel myself struggling at paces that used to be “easy.” So I haven’t been really trying to improve my pace, or go for a PR, because I know there’s a ginormous chance I’ll fail! Yeah, I can blame the heat and being busy and blah blah blah, like you said, but sometimes we just have to accept where we are now and be okay with starting all over again.

    That’s exactly what I’ve been doing, and it’s been hard, but I can feel “the old me” coming back…slowly but surely. You may bounce back even faster than you think. My advice? Just get out there and run! Consistency goes a LONG way!😀

    • kebe51 August 1, 2014 at 8:37 am #

      It’s so true! And it actually makes me feel better that I’m not the only one who feels/felt like this. I know once I get going, I won’t stop…just need to get my ass moving! lol Thanks!🙂

  7. dnardi710 August 1, 2014 at 3:06 pm #

    Kellie – 2 things, note that you said you “survived” your last few half marathons without training for them…imagine how much more pleasant they would be if you were doing more than “surviving” them! (PR or not!)

    And second you are SO amazing at encouraging others and are so down on yourself all the time! Go back and re-read this post pretending it was written by someone else…what would you say to them?? (P.S. – maybe make that a follow up post?? Your “comment’ to someone else if they wrote this post…I’d love to hear what you’d say to them/ yourself!)

    • kebe51 August 4, 2014 at 2:15 pm #

      Thanks Danielle! I may have to write that post. It never ceases to amaze me how we, as people in general, can have all the confidence in the world for other people, how we can be encouraging and supportive for someone else, but when it comes to ourselves, it disappears. I’m TRYING to work on that, but I clearly still have a ways to go…

      • dnardi710 August 4, 2014 at 2:36 pm #

        It’s true, we all seem to do it to ourselves. Reading your post though it really just struck me, “If Kellie was reading this on someone else’s blog she’s have such an encouraging comment! She really needs to look at it from an outsiders point of view and encourage herself!” (I know, easier said than done!)

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