If you’ve been reading my blog lately, or at least my weekly training recaps, then you know I have not really been running lately (other than if it’s part of CrossFit).
Sure, I can blame the weather, the hot humid mess that is summer. Of course there’s the craziness of work or other things life things that “get in the way.”
But that’s not it. Yesterday (and today too for that matter), the weather was PERFECT for a run. It was warm, but the humidity was low and there was a nice breeze going. My mind and body were craving a run on such a beautiful day. Yet, when I got home, I didn’t run. I cooked, I prepped some future meals, I ate some dinner, and then decided it was “too late” to run, when I knew it wasn’t.
And then it hit me. I’m scared to run. I’m scared to train. I’m just scared.
I have to be honest. I have not really trained properly for my last 4, even 5 half marathons. And I’ve survived them all. Honestly, my last half marathon was 6 minutes off my PR, a PR which I did train and work hard for and work on my speed.
Why am I scared to train? Because I know I’ve gotten slower. I know that all the progress I made training for my PR race has long since been erased. I know that when I run, I want to beat that time, and I want to be that fast or faster, but I also know that I’m not going to be.
I’m scared of facing the reality of what letting life get in the way has done to me, done to my abilities (which weren’t that great to begin with). I’m scared of facing what I’ve let happen to myself. As long as I don’t train, I can always blame my poor race times on “well, I didn’t really train.” But what if I train, and I can’t get back those times I once had? What if I push myself, but I can’t push myself hard enough and so it makes no difference? Then what’s my excuse? I’m just no good?
The fear of failure often keeps us from doing a lot of things. I keep signing up for races because I really do enjoy doing them, but at the same time, they keep terrifying me. What if I fail? For some reason being ill prepared makes me feel better about a failure then trying my hardest and failing.
I need to conquer this fear and fast. I just don’t know how.
Have you ever been afraid to start? How did you conquer your fear?